Sadness in My Sister

Unkyung called me tonight and told me she was alone in her room drinking beer. She has called me this way before, but this time she followed the statement with, "This is my life." And even though her English is less than perfect, there was a melancholy tone that made me think that when she said, "This is my life," she meant it in the same way I would if I were to say it while drinking alone in my bedroom.

I asked her if she is happy with her life and she responded that she is not unhappy. Then she went on to say that she doesn't think her father likes her. While she knows he loves her, she doesn't understand why he gets so angry at her when he is drunk. She said she tells herself that it's just the Soju, but that it still hurts and she doesn't fully understand why he gets that way. Every night he drinks. I asked her if she thinks he is happy with his life. She said no. Then I told her that that is the real reason he gets angry. He is angry with his life and with himself and not really with her. She is just the easiest target because Unsun is not home much (at work at the nail salon or with her boyfriend) and he doesn't dare act that way toward his wife or mother. To this she agreed wholeheartedly and even seemed a bit surprised both by my understanding and the fact that she understood what I was saying.

Towards the end of the conversation, she said with relief, "I'm so glad you understand me." It made me realize that, as much as I thought coming here would affect and help me, I had not considered how much it could impact my sister. I never knew she felt as alone as she seems to. I couldn't be sure, but as we hung up, I thought I heard the familiar sound of a tears. Not much....just a sniff and a sigh.

Haven't Posted in a While

The above picture is the gigantic lollipop that I was given by a student and the other picture is the adorable student who gave it to me. She likes to ask me every Friday, "Teacher, what will you do this weekend?" This is her slick way of trying to put off schoolwork, but since they need to practice their conversational English and I like to procrastinate too, I always indulge her. She is my oldest elementary school class. The only other older class I have is in middle school. Her English name is Luna.

This morning Unkyung picked me up for lunch. Her parents decided not to take the day off, so we were on our on at Outback Steakhouse. She tried to call me before she came but my phone was on the fritz, so when she knocked on my door I was sound asleep and quite grumpy. I am not a morning person and I think she's starting to sense that. During lunch she informed me that, as she predicted, her parents have backed off a bit when it comes to me. She said that before, her father always would ask if she'd spoken to me and demand that she bring me to the restaurant. Now, she said, he still asks if she has spoken to me but merely asks how I am. This was a relief and something I have noticed (as I had not been to the restaurant much in the past two weeks).

After lunch we went to the restaurant and I actually helped serve. Unkyung seemed very impressed and kept patting me on the back. At first it struck me as patronizing, but I had to remind myself that actions and words that seem that way to me are meant to be encouraging and complimentary. As usual, birthgrandma held her arms out to me when we came in and talked to me in Korean as if I understood. When I started helping by serving the tables their kimchi and rice and bringing them their food, she demanded to know if my sister had told me to work and insisted I stop and just sit with her. After a while I did and helped her dry the clean silverware. Then, she hit my arm, took my hand, and told me never to leave Korea. This struck me as a lot less annoying than if one of my birthparents would have said it.

The restauranted business slowed down enough to allow my family to come out and talk a bit. They commented that it looked like I'd been losing weight since I'd first come to Korea, and I told them that, yes, I lost five kg (10lbs). My birthmother said that my stomach looked smaller and I did something that I usually do with Mom in Ohio; I pushed my stomach out as far as it went, grabbed my lower back, and walked like I was pregnant, pressing Unkyung's hand to my stomach so she could feel my "baby" kick. They thought it was a riot and laughed, each one wanting to feel my baby kick. Then my birthmother said my birthfather must be pregnant. Unkyung added that it was probably twins. We all had a good laugh.

I told them that today is my mom's birthday and they seemed to understand that I'm a little homesick. It was even a little hard to watch Unkyung and her mother play because, although their manner is different than my mother's and mine, the closeness is very much the same. Unkyung was telling me how hard my birthfather works and that he is "amazing," and Birthmother hit her and said, "Me too! Tell her me too!" Unkyung laughed and hit her back and continued to giggle as her mother "winced" in "pain," instructing me to hit her back for "hurting" her.

These relaxed times are actually nice with my birthfamily. Birthfather isn't drinking Soju, Birthmother isn't constantly fussing over me, and there is easy laughter.


On another note, I do love that the children in Korea are such brown nosers. They are always offering me snacks and candy during their breaks. A student even gave me an adorable pen. It has nothing to do with the fact that they like me (because, in fact, many of them find me strict), but just that they naturally want my favor. Good for them, I say!

Tomorrow begins their week of English midterms and I feel for them. They all go to at least two academies throughout the week, as well as play at least two instruments. They usually go to regular school, then CDI, and a specialized academy (math or science) on Saturdays. Tough kids.

Fingernails, Hookahs, and Birthmother Tales

Went to a hookah bar last night. The pictures above were taken there and, for those of you who don't know, the tall glass things are hookahs. You smoke flavored...uh...smoke? It's not tobacco based (Mom, don't worry) and is perfectly legal. You may also see (beside the hookahs) what they call a "rum bucket" which is, of course, a clear plastic bucket of rum with a whole bunch of straws. I went out with three coworkers, but by the time the camera came out, there were only two left (Michael, the Chinese-Canadian and Gavin, the Canadian-Canadian). The other people in the pictures I don't know.

When talking to Unkyung the other day, she told me that my birthmother was an orphan. She had to look the English word up in the dictionary, so I am not sure if that's the word she intended, but that is the word the dictionary gave her: orphan. Apparently my birthmother's mother died when she was a baby and, for some reason, my birthmother was sent away. Then her father remarried, but his wife did not like her. It was all a little fuzzy because Unkyung's English has yet to progress to such a detailed level. She did say that that was one reason giving me up for adoption was so difficult. She said my birthmother cried, "How can I?! How can I do this?!" Obviously Unkyung wasn't recounting a memory but relaying what her mother told her.

I had no idea about this part of my birthmother's life. Unkyung seemed surprised that I didn't know. She said, "She never tell you?" (I was thinking, uh, she doesn't speak English, honey. If she didn't tell you to tell me, then no....she didn't tell me.) Unkyung also felt it important to reiterate that the adoption was necessary because I was going to die (heart problem) and they had no money. This is something I have known and come to grips with, but I think they believe I still either don't fully understand or hold some ill will. I definitely don't. Besides, I'm too busy trying to figure out the NEW things they're doing that I don't understand.

On a totally unrelated note....I have officially been here one month. One way I can measure this is by the calendar. Another is by my fingernail growth. When I first got her, Unsun manicured my nails, which are now ridiculously long (the polish starts halfway down my nail now). The third way I can measure my time here is by my grossly hairy eyebrows. Time for a wax (if I can find somewhere to do it).

Speaking a Little Korean

My birthmother called tonight. She always asks if I'm tired. I always tell her yes. Then I asked her if she was okay (in Korean) and then she said something else and I said, "me too" (in Korean) and then I said a few more words in Korean (don't remember...thank you, good, yes, whatever). The woman was freaking out. She was cracking up and told me my Korean was so good that she thought I sounded like Unkyung. Way to feed my ego since every time she repeated what I said it was obvious how poorly I was pronouncing everything.

But it goes to show that I'm learning a little....bit by bit. Not a lot, but it's a start.

Screaming Fruit Trucks

One thing that is super obnoxious is the trucks that roam the streets with fruits and other stuff (not sure what). They have a loud speaker attached to the top of the truck so that everyone within a two mile earshot (exaggeration) know he's there and what he's selling. The guy is yelling into the loudspeaker too. Isn't the point of a loudspeaker to provide something to amplify your voice without yelling? So I have a yelling man....yelling into a loudspeaker....frequently....ALL throughout my day.

I have a video to post later. Til then!

Other Birth Family reunions

I found a blog posted by the mother of two Korean adoptees. She had a video posted showing the reunion between Korean adoptees and their birth families. It's interesting if you're curious (you may want to pause the video and wait for it to load completely before continuing to play. You'll know when the faded red line reaches all the way to the end):

http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2009/01/korean-adoptee-reunion-videos.html

It's interesting because he seems to have the same discomfort with that level of emotion (even a little embarassed) as I had when I first met my sobbing birthmother. He seems happy to see her, but it looks like, as with me, the emotional connection with her is not just a given as some expect it to be.

As far as her repetition of "I'm sorry" and "I miss you" and "I'm not worthy to hold your hand" goes.... it may be nice to hear at first since many adoptees do want to hear at least one "I'm sorry," even if they hold no ill will. But after the first few it does get a bit uncomfortable.

It also annoys me when the second guy refers to his birthparents as his "real" parents. The real parents are those who were actually there to help you grow into a healthy adult. The ones who cared for you when you were sick, paid for your clothes, food, health checkups, school supplies, and birthday cakes.

I do love the moment when is birthmother calls and he says "uno momento" (Spanish for those of you unaware).

Just FYI:

I know you've probably already noticed, but there's a new poll AND a brand new SLIDESHOW on the left of my page. The slideshow is for those of you latecomers who didn't get a chance to see some of the earlier pictures and don't have time to read and browse ALL my previous posts.

Birth Father's Birthday Continued....with video!

We later visited my grandmother at the hospital where she awaits a blood transfusion. My birth father's brother was there in a suit, as he was the first time I met him. I get the impression that he is a more traditional businessman. Grandmother reached out for my hand and it seemed they were telling her (again) who I was. But somehow I felt like she knew, even if she didn’t know (does that make sense?). Even though shopping had been fun, I didn't appreciate the fact that my birth mother had a terrible cold and, while sneezing, coughing and snotting, would talk and breathe in my face and hug me and touch me. If I get sick, I think I'll be pretty annoyed.

At one point, it was brought up that I should move into a different apartment (meaning one right around the corner from them). I told them that I was very much enjoying my apartment. In a weird way, it felt like one of the most uncaring comments they could have made. The apartment I have is within walking distance to my school and all the other English teachers live in the same neighborhood. They would rather I be a subway or taxi ride away (even though it’s a short one) from my job and any other Americans I know (at least semi-know). Maybe it was irrational, but I was angry. I could tell Unkyung was telling her that that wasn’t a good idea. Thank God for her and her limited but good-enough-for-this-situation English

Birthfather asked to come up and see my apartment, but was met with a chorus of groans and protests from both my sisters. The, as we pulled up, he got out to follow me as a joke. I didn’t find it funny and my sisters’ laughter seemed a little more nervous than genuine. Earlier that day he told me that if he did not see me enough during the week he would come to my apartment (presumably unannounced). For a second I thought, “Yeah, okay. But I bet you won’t get in!”

Not to backtrack, but I forgot to mention that, at lunch earlier that day my birthfather asked about my friends. I was a bit confused at first, until Unkyung tapped my thigh under the table and gave me a “look” that reminded me that she told them the previous night that I was with friends and that was the reason I could not come visit. I quickly described my imaginary friends, but Birthmother had seen the tap. She asked me why Unkyung had hit me. I brushed it off, laughed, and gave her a hug. That seemed to satisfy her, much to my and Unkyung’s relief.

Birth Father's Birthday

(First pictures are of the swag I picked up while shopping. The second set is of the shopping area/street in Seoul. The third set is of the lunch. Obviously these are in backwards chronological order)

There certainly some mixed emotions today. I woke up grumpy because I had not slept well and had spent my Saturday night feeling pretty lonely. Unkyung called me and said she would pick me up to have "breakfast" (really lunch) for my birth father's birthday. I didn't really feel like going, but Unkyung brought Unsun with her when she picked me up, which cheered me up since she's a fun loving girl with a loud laugh. While in the car, she hand fed me chocolates (totally Ceasar-style) and practiced Korean by listening to my Speaking Korean file on my iPod.

They took me to a Korean buffet (we had a private room) where my birth father tried to feed me (yes, actually spoon fed me) a disgusting piece of pork. I had to spit it out but did so discretely. I did notice that if they wanted another to taste their food, they tended to put it in each other's mouths too. When the cake came, there were five long candles (one for each decade) and four shorter ones (for each year after--Korean age: 54, American age: 52). Before Unsun lit the candles, he quickly took one of the shorter ones and laughed. Unkyung one upped him by taking away a long one so the candles would represent 44 years. Of course, he drank soju and I noticed that after each shot, he'd make this bizarre sound in the back of his throat that I can't even describe.

Later they took me to Myong Dong (spelled wrong I'm sure), which is like the fake Rodeo Drive of Seoul (fake for two reasons: 1.) It's not California and 2.) There were TONS of knock offs sold on the street). They kept trying to buy me various things. At one point, my birth father walked into a shop, pointed at some shoes and all but demanded I choose one for him to buy me. He also wanted to buy me a coat, but I assured him that I was fine for the time being. Each of my birth parents alternated holding my hand with moments when both would hold my hands. I'll admit though, it was a little less annoying today. Perhaps it was because they were buying me things.

At one point there was a candy-making stand which was a sort of show. The man said it in English and Korean and basically stretched a block of honey until it made 16,000 individual strings. It was more impressive than it sounds. But every time he would say something, his partners would repeat it. At first I was wondering why they kept repeating what he said as if I hadn't heard him. Then I realized it was all a part of their show. Upon leaving, one said to me, "Come back again! I love you!" I laughed but, somewhat naive Unkyung squeeled and asked me if I liked him because he obviously liked me. I didn't bother explaining to her what sales and customer service is really about.

I will finish telling about the day in another entry. For now, I'll just say that it wasn't the actual shopping that made me slightly enjoy my birth family today, but that it was something we were doing together....and not me just sitting in their restaurant. .Next time: A visit to the hospital and a foiled plan.

Catch-Up Pics

Top pictures are of the food here I like the best so far. I still don't like Korean food much. The chips are onion and awesome. The sandwiches are from the 7/11 and they are amazing and less than $1 (with hardly any crust! One is ham, cheese and cucumber and the other one is ham and egg)! Then, of course, there is Outback Steakhouse. But it's pricey so I avoid it.

The next three are of the Han River (which seperates Seoul...the "Manhattan-ish part" and the "Brooklyn-ish" part. The building picture was taken from he US Embassy but still not sure what it is. Just looked interesting. There's also a picture of street lined with vendors.

Last pics are of my school and two of my classroom. The first children you see are in a class that describe me as "very strict." The second one, with the boys, loves me and is my favorite by far.

My Dream and Pics

I had bizarre dreams last night and one was a continuation after I woke up in the middle of the night to visit my amazing bathroom. And I will have more pics by the end of today (or tomorrow morning for you Americans). I've been slow because I have not seen anything new that is of significance. But I plan to today.

Dream 1:
I had to go to a meeting for work. I am not sure why, but I was convinced that I was in the right building. Suddenly I woke up (in the dream) to look around and find that I was in someone's very swanky home. I was in someone's bedroom and when I peeked out the door, I saw an amazing living room. Suddenly, I heard steps and I quickly hid in a corner, hoping the shadows would hide me, which they did not. I saw a figure in the crack of the door and the figure raised a gun slowly and burst into the room. Upon seeing me, he put the gun down and I was left to explain why I was there. He kept changing from Asian to Caucasian to African American. Later in the dream, was started dating and he bought me a piano.

Dream 2
I had a job interview in another country. I don't know which country, but there is an expanse of desert. The job was as a Public Relations representative and my interview was a competition. There was only one slot and the most qualified candidates had been narrowed down to about eight. Our assignment: Write a release about a tiff between one nonprofit (I think it was the Red Cross) and another concerning one's refusal to meet the other's demands. Random. I was directed to write it specifically with a Republican voice/slant.
I had to ask Kevin what he suggested as Kevin magically appeared in the desert to inform me about what Republicans think about life. Then, I sat down to write. Afterward, we all waited in a lobby while the heads discussed which release was the best. And as I waited, I each and every mistake I had made in my writing became clear and my heart sank, knowing the job was out of my reach.
When I didn't get the job, other rejected candidates and I went to the Olive Garden to solve our problems. Lastly, when we got to the Olive Garden I kept telling everyone in the restaurant that I was to work at one in the U.S. I mean EVERYONE like employyes and patrons alike.

Again, more pics tonight.

Learning English: Japanese Style vs. Korean

Obviously the first video is great. The second video is clearly a spoof off the first one. Tip: It is helpful to watch the first video all the way though first.

The Other Night

Video at the end of this post.

Sunday afternoon, my birth mother called me and kept repeating, "I want see you," in between strings of Korean sentences. After being their yesterday and still feeling a bit "sore about it" (as they say in Kill Bill Volume 1), I definitely wanted to decline. The trick is to figure out a way to decline but not offend. So I asked where Unkyung was, only to receive the response, "I want see you! I want see you!" She mentioned her restaurant. Then my home. The latter being an even worse scenario.

"You don't want?" Unkyung said when she called minutes later.
"Well....it's just that I haven't had much time to myself," I told her (Which is not exactly true, but it feels that way).
"It's okay!" she assured me in a worried/comforting tone. "I tell them!"
"I don't want them to be angry at you," I said. ("Or me," was said silently)
"No, I can just lie," she assured me, as if it was silly of me to think she wouldn't. "I tell them you have many friends at your home now and you can't!"
"Oh, thank you!!!!!" My response tone definitely warrants the five exclamation points.
"Laura, you don't worry. I can help you. You never lie to me because I understand. I can help."

So maybe I'm not giving Unkyung enough credit. Blissfully, I've spent my Sunday writing, chatting, and talking on Skype. A little crying may or may not have occurred, but it was just my frustration coming out in liquid form.

Upside: Been watching great movies from my past like Mulan (I love Donny Osmond playing an Asian), Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken (if you don't know about it, look for it), Sleeping Beauty, and Pocahontus (from my Indian phase).

Oh...and here's the video and, PS: I took the subway all by myself and didn't get lost yesterday! I'm pretty much a genius by now.