Korean Oprah

Yesterday I watched a DVD that my twin sent me over a year ago. I was unable to view the file (the picture wouldn't show on Windows Media Player) until yesterday. Basically, it's a television show that features three couples, one of which is my birth mother and birth father. Each couple seems to own a restaurant in Korea and they all seem to cook the same thing (some kind of deep fried pork smothered in gravy).

The hostess (Mom calls her Korean Oprah) is really perky and, of course, I don't understand a word that's being said. They take a moment to tease my birth father about something (it kind of seems like they're calling him fat) and then proceed to taste their heart-attack-on-a-plate dish while the audience goes "ahhhhhhhhh" and "ohhhhhhh." Then they cut to an expose on each restaurant and the family who owns it.

When they return to the set of the show, they begin speaking with my birth mother and then start playing some ultra sad music. She starts crying as she is talking. My birth father sits next to her, his head bowed and looking at the floor. He is either as sad as she is or he's thinking, "Damnit, you promised you wouldn't bring this up." But when a tear falls from his left eye, it becomes clear it's the former. Although the thought of the latter made me laugh.

THEN my birth mother pulls from her little plaid apron a letter. It's quite a large piece of paper. And, as she begins to read over the tragic-sounding music, the words are translated into horrible English at the bottom of the screen. I won't go into the whole letter, but it basically describes how much she misses me and loves me. She mentions having called me several times on the phone but that she assumes I am angry with her for giving me up since I have not returned or answered the calls. She begs me to forgive her for giving me up for adoption and assures me that "it's okay that you hate me." Wow. The camera momentarily shows my twin in the audience and then, when the letter ends, the hostess wipes her eyes and says something that signals the end of the show. Music and credits roll and...that's all. I could feel Mom and Kevin's eyes on me as I watched. I think they were waiting for me to cry. I didn't.

For the record, I realize that I should have called her back. The phone number she had been calling was not mine anymore but was, in fact, my brother's number. And I have a laundry list of excuses such as, it's too expensive to call overseas, the language barrier makes it too frustrating to converse, life in America's been too busy, etc. But I realize now that underestimated how important hearing my voice is to her. So............bad daughter.

Hopefully my coming to Korea will somewhat make up for that. The reality is that I just don't feel the connection to my birth family that they seem to feel. I wish I could force it, but I already have a family here. Still, going to Korea may allow me to form a better bond and perhaps see these people as more of a family than I do now. I have no anger toward my birth parents but I can't help but feel sometimes that I don't need them.

I have a family here who loves me and I believe that they are the family I was meant to have.