Other Korean Adoption Blogs

I found a blog posted by the mother of two Korean adoptees. She had a video posted showing the reunion between Korean adoptees and their birth families. It's interesting if you're curious:

 http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2009/01/korean-adoptee-reunion-videos.html

First In-Korea Entry

Yes I have pictures. No, I'm not going to put them up until tomorrow. It's been so crazy and hectic that, as home sick as I already am, I haven't had time to think about home much. Thanks to my birth family, I was able to talk to Mom on the phone since she has international calling.

Time with my birth family has been....almost indescribable. But I'll try my best to describe....tomorrow.

I wanted to let everyone know that I haven't forgotten about this blog, my promises of photos, and that I am still alive!

Also note that I have written blogs on previous days but had no way to post them. So the next few blogs will be slightly out of sequence. But I'll get it together, don't you worry!

Here Comes the Fear

Saturday was my Bon Voyage party at Whetstone Park and it was a blast. I was exhausted but glad I got to see so many friends and family, many of whom I haven't seen in a long time. The food was decent and the cake was awesome (even though I didn't get any time to eat any myself that day). The band my brother, Pete, plays in performed (The Ukulele Man and His Prodigal Sons) and everyone seemed to enjoy them. A few people had heard them play at other venues and were glad to see them play again. My only regret about the party is that I didn't have time to talk to everyone there as much as I would have liked.

Now the party is over and all of a sudden, my fear is rearing its huge, ugly head. It feels like the party sealed the deal. I never planned on backing out and I still don't. But the finality of it all is hanging in the air wherever I go now and with it comes hesitation and tons of "what if's."

• What if I get so homesick I become depressed (as we all know I'm very capable of doing)?
• What if none of the other teachers like me (It's possible)?
• What if I don't like them (Very possible)?
• What if my birth family drives me crazy?
• And what if they're disappointed in me?
• And most of all.....what if something goes wrong with my internet set up and I have to go without internet access for weeks or months, not allowing me to continue with these blog entries which no one currently reads (except my mother)?

When I first considered going to Korea to teach English, I thought the contract was for six months. I'm not sure why, but I thought I had seen an ad for a six month contract before. It turns out that, if six month contracts exist, none are available now. A year is the minimum. That's six more months for things to go wrong. I'm not generally a pessimist. Just at the moment.

There is still a lot to do and only a little over two and a half weeks to do all of it. I need to turn in my month's notice to my leasing office, get my stuff moved into Mom's Basement Storage Company (including a baby grand piano), get my phone situation figured out, and get my immunizations. And I hate needles. Can one get their immunizations while drunk, or would a doctor refuse to administer them in that situation? Just kidding....kind of.

Through all this stress and fear, I have never once considered not going through with this. But it is making me feel isolated and alone, even though I have loved ones constantly reassuring me and supporting me and, as of the last couple weeks, taking me out to eat.

I do acknowledge the wonderful things that will come from this entire experience, including these moments of anxiety and panic, and that is what helps me stay my current course.

Last thought-- I use a lot of perenthesis in my writing. I think I need to figure out a better way to digress (or be more organized so I don't digress at all).

Count down to Korea....

Okay.....I began this blog to chronicle my adventures in South Korea and now this blog's destiny is another step closer to being fulfilled. My passport is in the mail and I have a leave-by date: February 13th (arriving the 14th in Korea). I'll have a day to relax (or more likely be pounced upon by my birth family) and then I'll start a week of training and studying before moving on to the actual teaching. SO.....in other news.....

I spoke with my birth father for the first time the other day. Ever since my birth family first made contact, I was nine years old (16 years ago, in case you're mathematically challenged like me. In fact, there's a good chance I'm wrong.). Since then, I have spoken to everyone except for him. I was told he is very quiet and shy and doesn't like to talk much. And although I've always accepted that, in the back of my emotional mind it's always made me question whether it was because his interest in me just wasn't there.

 (1st pic of birth father and me when I arrived in Korea--taken from one of my first posts written in Korea, "Picture Update")

It was New Year's Day (the day after New Year's in Korea, but that day is also considered a holiday apparently), and Eunkyung called me to tell me "Happy New Year" and that she was drinking vodka. I'd once told her I liked vodka, so I suppose this is, for now, our common bond. Then, out of nowhere, she suggested she put her father on the phone. Coincidentally, not even an hour before the call, I had taken a nap and had a dream about meeting my birth father. In this dream, he'd decided to get a tattoo upon seeing mine--but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, he got on the phone and I realized his voice was a lot deeper and more commanding than I'd expected out of such a "quiet" and "shy" man. He told me "Happy New Year" and managed (with Eunkyung's help) to convey to me that I should thank my parents for taking such good care of me. He also added that he, too, was drinking vodka. By the way, it was about noon over there.

Next, my birth mother got on the horn, saying that she was drinking vodka as well and that she was drunk. The enthusiastic phrase "I drunk!" elicited a giggle from me, which delighted her. I then rattled off a couple of Korean phrases I'd learned since Christmas which made her and Eunkyung squeal simultaneously with excitement.

All in all, it was a pretty good phone conversation. It renewed my excitement about going on this trip. I have such curiosity about my birth father and the short conversation I had with him only strengthened my desire to get to know him.

Once again, I feel positive about going to Korea, which is something I really needed.

Latest news....

Okay, I've pretty much decided to accept the teaching position in Seoul. They sent me an email officially stating their offer in Gwangjin, Seoul, South Korea. The Chung Dahm Learning Institute is in the same area as Unkyung (my twin, in case you didn't know) and my birth family's restaurant (and possibly their residence--still remains unclear as to whether they live in the same building as the restaurant). Needless to say, she's super psyched and keeps calling me. I suspect she does this partly because she's afraid I'll change my mind.

Today, they had a Canadian (her Canadian-ness was clear by her accent) in their restaurant and called me so she could tell me "don't worry." I wanted to tell her that it's not so much my worry but theirs that's the issue.

I coughed on the phone earlier this week. Eunkyung now seems to be semi-afraid that I'm dying. My birth mother got on the phone while I was talking to Eunkyung (I'm told she just likes to hear my voice) and said "Lolahh? Shit down!" and proceeded to giggle. Explanation: Ten years ago, when my birth mother and Eunkyung visited the US, my birth mother kept trying to say "sit down." Instead, "sit" came out as "shit" each time. I was 14 and thought it was hysterical. Admittedly, it struck me as funny this time too. She seemed delighted to hear me laugh and repeated it several more times to get the same response.

Anyway, the issue of housing is still up in the air. I have searched online and there are no search options for apartments that include Gwangjin. Not to mention the fact that the cheaper apartments in Seoul (that I've found so far) are $1,200 per month. And remember, this job does not include an apartment.

So it looks like I won't be able to save as much money as I'd hoped in Korea, but as time passes, it becomes less and less of a focus for me.

(Update April 2014: A Wikipedia link to information about the area of Seoul I was to live and work in during my time in Korea. Also the area where my birth family lived and worked, near Konkuk University, aka Kondae area.)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gwangjin_District

Shit down and other decisions

(Update April 8, 2014: The title of this post is a reference to a joke between my birth mother, Eunkyung, and me which is explained in the post "Latest News")


So I received a letter from Homeland Security saying I didn't submit all the necessary documents to receive a copy of my naturalization papers. I neglected to submit a photo ID which, by the way, was never mentioned as a requirement. I swear! I think.....

So yet another roadblock. I truly am Charlie Brown. Charlie Brown wasn't homeless or addicted to crack or anything, but he really did't have some bouts of bad luck. Feels like I'll never be able to successfully kick that damn football.  

Also, I am trying to post the Korean Oprah video but it hasn't worked thus far. Kind of like most things right now.

I'm so incredibly frustrated with the situation.

Korean Oprah

Yesterday I watched a DVD that my twin sent me over a year ago. I was unable to view the file (the picture wouldn't show on Windows Media Player) until yesterday. Basically, it's a television show that features three couples, one of which is my birth mother and birth father. Each couple seems to own a restaurant in Korea and they all seem to cook the same thing (some kind of deep fried pork smothered in gravy).

The hostess (Mom calls her Korean Oprah) is really perky and, of course, I don't understand a word that's being said. They take a moment to tease my birth father about something (it kind of seems like they're calling him fat) and then proceed to taste their heart-attack-on-a-plate dish while the audience goes "ahhhhhhhhh" and "ohhhhhhh." Then they cut to an expose on each restaurant and the family who owns it.

When they return to the set of the show, they begin speaking with my birth mother and then start playing some ultra sad music. She starts crying as she is talking. My birth father sits next to her, his head bowed and looking at the floor. He is either as sad as she is or he's thinking, "Damnit, you promised you wouldn't bring this up." But when a tear falls from his left eye, it becomes clear it's the former. Although the thought of the latter made me laugh.

THEN my birth mother pulls from her little plaid apron a letter. It's quite a large piece of paper. And, as she begins to read over the tragic-sounding music, the words are translated into horrible English at the bottom of the screen. I won't go into the whole letter, but it basically describes how much she misses me and loves me. She mentions having called me several times on the phone but that she assumes I am angry with her for giving me up since I have not returned or answered the calls. She begs me to forgive her for giving me up for adoption and assures me that "it's okay that you hate me." Wow. The camera momentarily shows my twin in the audience and then, when the letter ends, the hostess wipes her eyes and says something that signals the end of the show. Music and credits roll and...that's all. I could feel Mom and Kevin's eyes on me as I watched. I think they were waiting for me to cry. I didn't.

For the record, I realize that I should have called her back. The phone number she had been calling was not mine anymore but was, in fact, my brother's number. And I have a laundry list of excuses such as, it's too expensive to call overseas, the language barrier makes it too frustrating to converse, life in America's been too busy, etc. But I realize now that underestimated how important hearing my voice is to her. So............bad daughter.

Hopefully my coming to Korea will somewhat make up for that. The reality is that I just don't feel the connection to my birth family that they seem to feel. I wish I could force it, but I already have a family here. Still, going to Korea may allow me to form a better bond and perhaps see these people as more of a family than I do now. I have no anger toward my birth parents but I can't help but feel sometimes that I don't need them.

I have a family here who loves me and I believe that they are the family I was meant to have.