Farewell Toast

At Saturday's after party Stephanie gave me a lovely toast she'd written. We'd all been drinking, but I don't think she was drunk. Touched me. I mean the toast, not her. :-)

Here Comes the Fear

Saturday was my Bon Voyage party at Whetstone Park and it was a blast. I was exhausted but glad I got to see so many friends and family, many of whom I haven't seen in a long time. The food was decent and the cake was awesome (even though I didn't get any time to eat any myself that day). The band my brother, Pete, plays in performed (The Ukulele Man and His Prodigal Sons) and everyone seemed to enjoy them. A few people had heard them play at other venues and were glad to see them play again. My only regret about the party is that I didn't have time to talk to everyone there as much as I would have liked.

Now the party is over and all of a sudden, my fear is rearing its huge, ugly head. It feels like the party sealed the deal. I never planned on backing out and I still don't. But the finality of it all is hanging in the air wherever I go now and with it comes hesitation and tons of "what if's."

• What if I get so homesick I become depressed (as we all know I'm very capable of doing)?
• What if none of the other teachers like me (It's possible)?
• What if I don't like them (Very possible)?
• What if my birth family drives me crazy?
• And what if they're disappointed in me?
• And most of all.....what if something goes wrong with my internet set up and I have to go without internet access for weeks or months, not allowing me to continue with these blog entries which no one currently reads (except my mother)?

When I first considered going to Korea to teach English, I thought the contract was for six months. I'm not sure why, but I thought I had seen an ad for a six month contract before. It turns out that, if six month contracts exist, none are available now. A year is the minimum. That's six more months for things to go wrong. I'm not generally a pessimist. Just at the moment.

There is still a lot to do and only a little over two and a half weeks to do all of it. I need to turn in my month's notice to my leasing office, get my stuff moved into Mom's Basement Storage Company (including a baby grand piano), get my phone situation figured out, and get my immunizations. And I hate needles. Can one get their immunizations while drunk, or would a doctor refuse to administer them in that situation? Just kidding....kind of.

Through all this stress and fear, I have never once considered not going through with this. But it is making me feel isolated and alone, even though I have loved ones constantly reassuring me and supporting me and, as of the last couple weeks, taking me out to eat.

I do acknowledge the wonderful things that will come from this entire experience, including these moments of anxiety and panic, and that is what helps me stay my current course.

Last thought-- I use a lot of perenthesis in my writing. I think I need to figure out a better way to digress (or be more organized so I don't digress at all).

Count down to Korea....

Okay.....I began this blog to chronicle my adventures in South Korea and now this blog's destiny is another step closer to being fulfilled. My passport is in the mail and I have a leave-by date: February 13th (arriving the 14th in Korea). I'll have a day to relax (or more likely be pounced upon by my birth family) and then I'll start a week of training and studying before moving on to the actual teaching. SO.....in other news.....

I spoke with my birth father for the first time the other day. Ever since my birth family first made contact, I was nine years old (16 years ago, in case you're mathematically challenged like me. In fact, there's a good chance I'm wrong.). Since then, I have spoken to everyone except for him. I was told he is very quiet and shy and doesn't like to talk much. And although I've always accepted that, in the back of my emotional mind it's always made me question whether it was because his interest in me just wasn't there.

 (1st pic of birth father and me when I arrived in Korea--taken from one of my first posts written in Korea, "Picture Update")

It was New Year's Day (the day after New Year's in Korea, but that day is also considered a holiday apparently), and Eunkyung called me to tell me "Happy New Year" and that she was drinking vodka. I'd once told her I liked vodka, so I suppose this is, for now, our common bond. Then, out of nowhere, she suggested she put her father on the phone. Coincidentally, not even an hour before the call, I had taken a nap and had a dream about meeting my birth father. In this dream, he'd decided to get a tattoo upon seeing mine--but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, he got on the phone and I realized his voice was a lot deeper and more commanding than I'd expected out of such a "quiet" and "shy" man. He told me "Happy New Year" and managed (with Eunkyung's help) to convey to me that I should thank my parents for taking such good care of me. He also added that he, too, was drinking vodka. By the way, it was about noon over there.

Next, my birth mother got on the horn, saying that she was drinking vodka as well and that she was drunk. The enthusiastic phrase "I drunk!" elicited a giggle from me, which delighted her. I then rattled off a couple of Korean phrases I'd learned since Christmas which made her and Eunkyung squeal simultaneously with excitement.

All in all, it was a pretty good phone conversation. It renewed my excitement about going on this trip. I have such curiosity about my birth father and the short conversation I had with him only strengthened my desire to get to know him.

Once again, I feel positive about going to Korea, which is something I really needed.