Here Comes the Fear

Saturday was my Bon Voyage party at Whetstone Park and it was a blast. I was exhausted but glad I got to see so many friends and family, many of whom I haven't seen in a long time. The food was decent and the cake was awesome (even though I didn't get any time to eat any myself that day). The band my brother, Pete, plays in performed (The Ukulele Man and His Prodigal Sons) and everyone seemed to enjoy them. A few people had heard them play at other venues and were glad to see them play again. My only regret about the party is that I didn't have time to talk to everyone there as much as I would have liked.

Now the party is over and all of a sudden, my fear is rearing its huge, ugly head. It feels like the party sealed the deal. I never planned on backing out and I still don't. But the finality of it all is hanging in the air wherever I go now and with it comes hesitation and tons of "what if's."

• What if I get so homesick I become depressed (as we all know I'm very capable of doing)?
• What if none of the other teachers like me (It's possible)?
• What if I don't like them (Very possible)?
• What if my birth family drives me crazy?
• And what if they're disappointed in me?
• And most of all.....what if something goes wrong with my internet set up and I have to go without internet access for weeks or months, not allowing me to continue with these blog entries which no one currently reads (except my mother)?

When I first considered going to Korea to teach English, I thought the contract was for six months. I'm not sure why, but I thought I had seen an ad for a six month contract before. It turns out that, if six month contracts exist, none are available now. A year is the minimum. That's six more months for things to go wrong. I'm not generally a pessimist. Just at the moment.

There is still a lot to do and only a little over two and a half weeks to do all of it. I need to turn in my month's notice to my leasing office, get my stuff moved into Mom's Basement Storage Company (including a baby grand piano), get my phone situation figured out, and get my immunizations. And I hate needles. Can one get their immunizations while drunk, or would a doctor refuse to administer them in that situation? Just kidding....kind of.

Through all this stress and fear, I have never once considered not going through with this. But it is making me feel isolated and alone, even though I have loved ones constantly reassuring me and supporting me and, as of the last couple weeks, taking me out to eat.

I do acknowledge the wonderful things that will come from this entire experience, including these moments of anxiety and panic, and that is what helps me stay my current course.

Last thought-- I use a lot of perenthesis in my writing. I think I need to figure out a better way to digress (or be more organized so I don't digress at all).