Sadness in My Sister

Unkyung called me tonight and told me she was alone in her room drinking beer. She has called me this way before, but this time she followed the statement with, "This is my life." And even though her English is less than perfect, there was a melancholy tone that made me think that when she said, "This is my life," she meant it in the same way I would if I were to say it while drinking alone in my bedroom.

I asked her if she is happy with her life and she responded that she is not unhappy. Then she went on to say that she doesn't think her father likes her. While she knows he loves her, she doesn't understand why he gets so angry at her when he is drunk. She said she tells herself that it's just the Soju, but that it still hurts and she doesn't fully understand why he gets that way. Every night he drinks. I asked her if she thinks he is happy with his life. She said no. Then I told her that that is the real reason he gets angry. He is angry with his life and with himself and not really with her. She is just the easiest target because Unsun is not home much (at work at the nail salon or with her boyfriend) and he doesn't dare act that way toward his wife or mother. To this she agreed wholeheartedly and even seemed a bit surprised both by my understanding and the fact that she understood what I was saying.

Towards the end of the conversation, she said with relief, "I'm so glad you understand me." It made me realize that, as much as I thought coming here would affect and help me, I had not considered how much it could impact my sister. I never knew she felt as alone as she seems to. I couldn't be sure, but as we hung up, I thought I heard the familiar sound of a tears. Not much....just a sniff and a sigh.

Haven't Posted in a While

The above picture is the gigantic lollipop that I was given by a student and the other picture is the adorable student who gave it to me. She likes to ask me every Friday, "Teacher, what will you do this weekend?" This is her slick way of trying to put off schoolwork, but since they need to practice their conversational English and I like to procrastinate too, I always indulge her. She is my oldest elementary school class. The only other older class I have is in middle school. Her English name is Luna.

This morning Unkyung picked me up for lunch. Her parents decided not to take the day off, so we were on our on at Outback Steakhouse. She tried to call me before she came but my phone was on the fritz, so when she knocked on my door I was sound asleep and quite grumpy. I am not a morning person and I think she's starting to sense that. During lunch she informed me that, as she predicted, her parents have backed off a bit when it comes to me. She said that before, her father always would ask if she'd spoken to me and demand that she bring me to the restaurant. Now, she said, he still asks if she has spoken to me but merely asks how I am. This was a relief and something I have noticed (as I had not been to the restaurant much in the past two weeks).

After lunch we went to the restaurant and I actually helped serve. Unkyung seemed very impressed and kept patting me on the back. At first it struck me as patronizing, but I had to remind myself that actions and words that seem that way to me are meant to be encouraging and complimentary. As usual, birthgrandma held her arms out to me when we came in and talked to me in Korean as if I understood. When I started helping by serving the tables their kimchi and rice and bringing them their food, she demanded to know if my sister had told me to work and insisted I stop and just sit with her. After a while I did and helped her dry the clean silverware. Then, she hit my arm, took my hand, and told me never to leave Korea. This struck me as a lot less annoying than if one of my birthparents would have said it.

The restauranted business slowed down enough to allow my family to come out and talk a bit. They commented that it looked like I'd been losing weight since I'd first come to Korea, and I told them that, yes, I lost five kg (10lbs). My birthmother said that my stomach looked smaller and I did something that I usually do with Mom in Ohio; I pushed my stomach out as far as it went, grabbed my lower back, and walked like I was pregnant, pressing Unkyung's hand to my stomach so she could feel my "baby" kick. They thought it was a riot and laughed, each one wanting to feel my baby kick. Then my birthmother said my birthfather must be pregnant. Unkyung added that it was probably twins. We all had a good laugh.

I told them that today is my mom's birthday and they seemed to understand that I'm a little homesick. It was even a little hard to watch Unkyung and her mother play because, although their manner is different than my mother's and mine, the closeness is very much the same. Unkyung was telling me how hard my birthfather works and that he is "amazing," and Birthmother hit her and said, "Me too! Tell her me too!" Unkyung laughed and hit her back and continued to giggle as her mother "winced" in "pain," instructing me to hit her back for "hurting" her.

These relaxed times are actually nice with my birthfamily. Birthfather isn't drinking Soju, Birthmother isn't constantly fussing over me, and there is easy laughter.


On another note, I do love that the children in Korea are such brown nosers. They are always offering me snacks and candy during their breaks. A student even gave me an adorable pen. It has nothing to do with the fact that they like me (because, in fact, many of them find me strict), but just that they naturally want my favor. Good for them, I say!

Tomorrow begins their week of English midterms and I feel for them. They all go to at least two academies throughout the week, as well as play at least two instruments. They usually go to regular school, then CDI, and a specialized academy (math or science) on Saturdays. Tough kids.

Fingernails, Hookahs, and Birthmother Tales

Went to a hookah bar last night. The pictures above were taken there and, for those of you who don't know, the tall glass things are hookahs. You smoke flavored...uh...smoke? It's not tobacco based (Mom, don't worry) and is perfectly legal. You may also see (beside the hookahs) what they call a "rum bucket" which is, of course, a clear plastic bucket of rum with a whole bunch of straws. I went out with three coworkers, but by the time the camera came out, there were only two left (Michael, the Chinese-Canadian and Gavin, the Canadian-Canadian). The other people in the pictures I don't know.

When talking to Unkyung the other day, she told me that my birthmother was an orphan. She had to look the English word up in the dictionary, so I am not sure if that's the word she intended, but that is the word the dictionary gave her: orphan. Apparently my birthmother's mother died when she was a baby and, for some reason, my birthmother was sent away. Then her father remarried, but his wife did not like her. It was all a little fuzzy because Unkyung's English has yet to progress to such a detailed level. She did say that that was one reason giving me up for adoption was so difficult. She said my birthmother cried, "How can I?! How can I do this?!" Obviously Unkyung wasn't recounting a memory but relaying what her mother told her.

I had no idea about this part of my birthmother's life. Unkyung seemed surprised that I didn't know. She said, "She never tell you?" (I was thinking, uh, she doesn't speak English, honey. If she didn't tell you to tell me, then no....she didn't tell me.) Unkyung also felt it important to reiterate that the adoption was necessary because I was going to die (heart problem) and they had no money. This is something I have known and come to grips with, but I think they believe I still either don't fully understand or hold some ill will. I definitely don't. Besides, I'm too busy trying to figure out the NEW things they're doing that I don't understand.

On a totally unrelated note....I have officially been here one month. One way I can measure this is by the calendar. Another is by my fingernail growth. When I first got her, Unsun manicured my nails, which are now ridiculously long (the polish starts halfway down my nail now). The third way I can measure my time here is by my grossly hairy eyebrows. Time for a wax (if I can find somewhere to do it).

Speaking a Little Korean

My birthmother called tonight. She always asks if I'm tired. I always tell her yes. Then I asked her if she was okay (in Korean) and then she said something else and I said, "me too" (in Korean) and then I said a few more words in Korean (don't remember...thank you, good, yes, whatever). The woman was freaking out. She was cracking up and told me my Korean was so good that she thought I sounded like Unkyung. Way to feed my ego since every time she repeated what I said it was obvious how poorly I was pronouncing everything.

But it goes to show that I'm learning a little....bit by bit. Not a lot, but it's a start.

Screaming Fruit Trucks

One thing that is super obnoxious is the trucks that roam the streets with fruits and other stuff (not sure what). They have a loud speaker attached to the top of the truck so that everyone within a two mile earshot (exaggeration) know he's there and what he's selling. The guy is yelling into the loudspeaker too. Isn't the point of a loudspeaker to provide something to amplify your voice without yelling? So I have a yelling man....yelling into a loudspeaker....frequently....ALL throughout my day.

I have a video to post later. Til then!

Other Birth Family reunions

I found a blog posted by the mother of two Korean adoptees. She had a video posted showing the reunion between Korean adoptees and their birth families. It's interesting if you're curious (you may want to pause the video and wait for it to load completely before continuing to play. You'll know when the faded red line reaches all the way to the end):

http://chinaadoptiontalk.blogspot.com/2009/01/korean-adoptee-reunion-videos.html

It's interesting because he seems to have the same discomfort with that level of emotion (even a little embarassed) as I had when I first met my sobbing birthmother. He seems happy to see her, but it looks like, as with me, the emotional connection with her is not just a given as some expect it to be.

As far as her repetition of "I'm sorry" and "I miss you" and "I'm not worthy to hold your hand" goes.... it may be nice to hear at first since many adoptees do want to hear at least one "I'm sorry," even if they hold no ill will. But after the first few it does get a bit uncomfortable.

It also annoys me when the second guy refers to his birthparents as his "real" parents. The real parents are those who were actually there to help you grow into a healthy adult. The ones who cared for you when you were sick, paid for your clothes, food, health checkups, school supplies, and birthday cakes.

I do love the moment when is birthmother calls and he says "uno momento" (Spanish for those of you unaware).

Just FYI:

I know you've probably already noticed, but there's a new poll AND a brand new SLIDESHOW on the left of my page. The slideshow is for those of you latecomers who didn't get a chance to see some of the earlier pictures and don't have time to read and browse ALL my previous posts.